Bedtime Can Be Fun! A Rhyming Picture Book for Kids Whod Rather Stay Up
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What I loved is that your words allowed me to imagine what the pictures of your book would look like. Your first line pulled me in right away. Your last stanza made me visualize and feel him running home. I think this is wonderful, thank you for sharing! Hi, Andrew!!! So much fun to see you here with a PB! I'm super curious to hear Josh's feedback as I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to those.
But I will say, I adore your unexpected rhyme scheme. For me, it totally works.
I get in that rhythm right away. Then when it changes it makes me think. I wonder what "rules" might be in the PB world, but I love it.
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I also love your string of descriptives and the subject itself. Kudos, pal! Keep going! Wow, Andrew! This is great! A quick amazon search doesn't turn up any pb bios or much at all about Moses Fleetwood Walker, so this is a ripe subject! You've got lots of the baseball stuff going on, but I haven't researched him I'd imagine that Moses dealt with many challenges. I'd love to get into those perhaps they come into the story later. Seeing as the book could turn relatively serious, I'm not sure rhyming is the best format even though your rhymes fun.
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Having said that, I do like the opening - show him in his element playing ball for a page or so before getting to the serious issues. I might move the 'hate' line to the end of the first spread wherever you envision that to be a great page turn. Thanks for being brave and sharing! This is definitely a subject worth pursuing.
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Your characters have personality even in this snippet: Duck is a braggart, Myrtle is adventurous, Pig is nervous. Just watch through the rest of the story that you don't use too much dialogue.
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Good job! This is such a great setup, Andrea! It's concise and gets to the plot immediately, and draws me in. Well done! I don't have too much large scale criticism because I can see you taking this in so many directions. I'm imagining Myrtle who I assume is a turtle successfully sneaking through the woods, perhaps befriending a bear that she doesn't realize is a 'dangerous bear' Gruffalo-style along the way. Maybe even rescuing Duck from some peril Duck has never actually reached the lake because he's too scared of something, maybe bears. I'm a little curious as to why Myrtle has a name while Pig and Duck are called by their animal names.
Not critical to change this of course, but it pulled me out a tiny tiny bit. The only other note and I can't know for sure without seeing the whole story would be to ask, what makes this story about woodland creatures stand out in today's market? Picture books about farms and woodland creatures have been around for a long time, so it's important that this has some hook that makes it saleable. What's that hook?
Is it a story about bravery? Bullying by Duck probably not as you mention these side characters are only at the beginning and end? How does this stand out in a crowded picture book market? Best of luck with Myrtle's tale, Andrea! Thank you for your thoughts, Kathy! I have a problem with the balance between text and dialogue too, depending on the story. Josh, thank you for your comments! I think I do have a hook that makes the work standout, but it's not part of this snippet. Your point about the names is interesting.seojeulinddistsen.tk
Bedtime Can Be Fun! A Rhyming Picture Book for Kids Who'd Rather Stay Up
I chose this approach mainly because Myrtle not a turtle in my mind but open to illustrator interpretation is the main character and the others really don't appear for most of the book, except to circle back at the end. But I suppose there's no reason in particular why they have to be those specific animals except for the Duck.
Thanks for giving me something to think about! Andrea, I agree with what Kathy said about your characters' personalities. I like Myrtle's determination. I wanted to hear more of the Duck's description of the lake. Thank you so much for feedback! This is my first Teachers Write. The story that I am working on is based off of my daughter who we adopted at age four. She is Tongan, adopted into our white family.
She has struggled with identity, rightly so. Even Jane Eyre. Many themes from that book resonated with what I am trying to write. Here are the first opening paragraphs: The green linoleum floor is stained and pieces are torn out in many places. Silence is demanded. Alcohol, benadine, and a stale odor. The once white walls are yellow and peeling.
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A small boy with a big cut on his hand is waiting down the hall. The Tongan woman on the table in the delivery room is very young, just a child herself. She is beautiful, even in the pain of labor, the contractions, the sudden tearing. There is blood.
There are no screams. A Tongan woman giving birth is encouraged to be silent. There are no painkillers, no fetal monitoring during labor. With cunning hands, the midwife guides the head out. The mouth is cleared, and Samena inhales deeply, and cries.